The Ocean, The Sky And The Baby Seals: And A French Guy
by Island Child
Summary: Nikolai Petrovsky's killer, Aksa Madan, now roams the streets for a new victim. Doe he marry Sally Struthers? Or finish Nikolai's job of hitting a Frenchman?


Lo, it's still a quiet night in San Franciscoville (surprisingly), and our hero Aksa Madan is out walking the boardwalk with Shrek's mighty club in his hand. He is out searching for more baby seals to club, seeing as Nikolai Petrovsky, Jennifer Lopez, and a quintillion unborn freak children weren't enough to satisfy his endless bloodlust. Anyways, a gust of wind blows past him and he hops when he hears noise coming from behind him. Lo, it's Christophe Beauregard, the Frenchman Nikolai tried to murder. He was in Denmark, but nobody likes Danish people. So he biked back to San Franciscoville since the Danish people are incredibly carphobic. Because he's French, he's terrified of everything, and right now, he's scared out of his mind.

"S'il vous plâit, don't 'urt me!" he cries. "I biked all the way from Denmark because Danish people suck!" he cries. Aksa does nothing but stare at the Frenchman, like he has Asperger's or something. Then he realises that the plot in this fanfiction needs to move sometime, so he walks away and clubs a bear cub to death. This traumatises poor Christophe even more, so to compensate for his pain, Aksa tosses a pair of Nikolai's panties at his face and takes off into the night, like some sort of Batman clone. But he trips over a skunk. Angered, the skunk cries,

"Bruh!" he cries. "I'm trying to watch Netflix and chill!" The skunk cries. Aksa, now upset because his baby seal hunt was interrupted by a trashy skunk, smites the animal with the Ogrelord's club and continues hitting it until each bone in its trashy trashy body is completely destroyed. However, as he looks at it, he can't help but find the mutilated body to be incredibly attractive. But Aksa knows better and smashes it one last time before hucking it all the way to Africa to feed the starving and exploited starving children.

"That's how you feed the children, Sally Struthers," mutters Aksa, "you fat bitch," mutters Aksa. Suddenly, a bunch of smelly Italian people fall out of the sky and fall to the earth like European pancakes. They get up and dust themselves off as if nothing happened. Their odour causes Aksa to cringe, but one of the Italian blokes is all like,

"Eyyyy!" His name is Pooseppe Stkrdknmibals. But we're gonna call him Clyde because Italian surnames are hellish. "Yo manz, ye should totally join our mafia club and club baby seals with us." Even though Aksa loves clubbing baby seals, Clyde's offer doesn't phase him.

"No," says Aksa, "I club baby seals alone." He walks off into the night. Wait. Before he walks off, he beats Clyde to death with a fork. Then he enters a classroom full of children being read "The Smol Engine That Really Couldn't Do Anything" late at night. The kindergarten children scream at the sudden interruption, but stop when they realise that some blood-covered bloke just interrupted their story. Only to scream louder. And jump out of the building (which is now a skyscraper) in an orderly fashion like lemmings. But luckily for them, they landed safely in a ball pit that's actually a portal to another dimension. Aksa shakes his head and walks away, sadly dragging his club away. He only wanted to give them clothes he made from the baby seals he murdered. But to help himself feel better he takes out a can of white spray paint and begins painting highly inappropriate figures on Christophe, who's unconscious on the side of the road from being incredibly drunk. He's almost completely naked, except for a pair of "I Heart Vegas" boxers he stole from a Swedish guy at a casino. He also got mugged by bears. Aksa giggles like a little anime girl at the sight. Phallic drawings are all over Christophe's body. But lo, Everybody Hates Chris(tophe), so Aksa also paints his name to show that he committed this heroic act. He slams his foot into the Frenchman's ribcage, causing him to jolt awake and sit up, caressing his injury and trying to catch his breath.

"Aksa," he begins, "why don't I 'ave clothes on?" he begins. Aksa sprays more paint in his face and takes off through San Franciscoville traffic, miraculously surviving hell by hopping on the hoods of cars. But Christophe, realising that there's dicks drawn all over him, busts out a gun and shoots him in the foot, causing Aksa to slip and get run over by a van full of kidnapped children. Oh dear. How violent. Then Christophe starts screaming because his friend is now laying in the street as a pile of blood and entrails. Yes, he screams, like a little bitch, and ruins the beautiful quiet. So God gets pretty pissed and throws a huge fucking brick at his face. He falls unconscious immediately, soon to forget the horrible memories of April 20, the national day of marijuana. Get out, it's over.


End file.
